a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?