Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Every work meeting this week

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns