[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
You Might Also Like
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*limbos away from your hug*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
How software testing works
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.