Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

💀 😭

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.