[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Ok but actually
Previously On Persistence 😎
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*