Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

“i miss shittin on people”

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree