Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

dutch so unserious

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

But wait…

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

yeet

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.