Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey i am sexy to you now

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.