Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

bros in the example zone 😭

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

We avoided this particular disaster

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.