(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
make up your mind
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.