Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.