[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.