[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
What’s a Messi?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*