Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children