Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche