[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
How actors in movies eat their food
I’m crying im so happy for them
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with