Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

My sex drive has a dui

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.