Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.