[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Unimpressed
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah