Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?