*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.