*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
beware of dog
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.