*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
finally found a reasonable question
Voting is the worst group project
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.