Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

mechanics be like

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.