[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Every time.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
About to throw up
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
