[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha