Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

I went from rags to one rag.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.