[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
It’s an epidemic…
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now