[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
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anyone else like Italian cereal
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
*power walks to the refrigerator*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.