Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Feel. He’s so soft.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.