Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
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“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
This is my emotional support knife.
One venti cheeseburger please.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.