[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
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My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers