Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*