[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
