Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.