[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Don’t talk down to me
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still