[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”