[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
🍞🦆
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.