Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!