[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
This was a bad idea all around
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I’m calling the cops.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood