[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
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#SCOTUS one-star review
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific