[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”