[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
