[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Thursday Thought.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.