Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges