Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

I’m crying im so happy for them

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.