Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

checking out some reviews of my local library

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour