[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.