Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.