[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.