[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school