Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Every
Single
Year

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

“FRAAANCE!”

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

logging onto twitter…

Yup….perfect score!

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.