Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

#Caturday

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Tony Hawk, age 6

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries