[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars