*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate