*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.