*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me, flirting😏
