*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
You Might Also Like
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min