*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Camel dough
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.