*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.