Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

🍂🕷️🍂

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Happens to everyone.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.