[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
Not with that attitude
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.