[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Yeah. This was me today.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf