*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Seems legit
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.