Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?