Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

Same post same

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.