*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me too 😆
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters