[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
You Might Also Like
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing