[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.