[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”