[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
