[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
it be like that
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.